Saturday, November 21, 2009

What Were You Thinking, Paul Anka?

I cringe a little bit every time Paul Anka's song You're Having My Baby comes on the radio. In fact, I find the lyrics so offensive I want to call Mr. Anka on the phone and ask him that great Dr. Phil question, "What were you thinkin?"

I mean, how in the world, even in the not-so-politically-correct era of the mid-70s, could he possibly have thought that referring to the child his wife was carrying as "my baby" might not be offensive to -- oh, let's think about it for just a second... -- just about EVERYBODY? And since the words might be offensive especially to women (ya think?), and since my guess is that most of his previous hits were purchased by female fans, I wonder, again, how could he possibly have made such a blunder?

Let's look at some of the more poignant lines in the song. You're having my baby. What a lovely way of saying how much you love me. Well, you know, call me overly critical, but the line seems just a tad on the self indulgent side. But then again, maybe that's just me.

Or, how about this one? The seed inside you, can you feel it growing? Lovely thought, perhaps. But, I don't know, a bit too agricultural, I think.

And let's not forget the most memorable line in the entire song. Didn't have to keep it, wouldn't put you through it. You could have swept it from your life but you wouldn't do it. That's wrong on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin!

I guess in all fairness we have to bear in mind that You're Having My Baby was written by the same songwriter who brought us other such classics as I Don't Like to Sleep Alone and Puppy Love. So hey, what else is there to say?

Truth be told, after the song You're Having My Baby was released
(and after receiving far more criticism than he counted on!), Paul Anka apologized publicly for his insensitivity, and even altered the title and the words to read You're Having Our Baby.

Nice try, Paul. Ever hear of the song Too Much, Too Little, Too Late?


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Dentist Office Music

My day started this morning with a trip to the dentist's office. And it’s not that I really enjoy going to the dentist, but I love going to this dentist because he has a state-of-the-art Bose sound system, which pumps into each of the rooms music from Sirius/XM radio – specifically channel 3, which plays “love” songs.

Nothing wrong with that – in fact, I think it’s pretty cool. But what was a little odd this morning was that while the hygienist was cleaning my teeth, on comes Marvin Gaye‘s Sexual Healing. Not a bad song, but it seemed a little weird (out of place, perhaps) to have that tune playing while I’m sitting back in the dentist's chair, wearing a bib, and having a hook shaped device suck spit out of my mouth. Not to mention the fact that there was just something strange about hearing Marvin sing, “Baby I'm hot just like an oven, and I need some lovin',” while the hygienist, adorned in face mask and rubber gloves, scraped six months worth of plaque and tartar from my teeth.
Yuck!

Okay, weird enough. But then the next song comes on and it’s Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. Of course, my mind goes right to an image of Demi Moore in the movie Ghost. But suffice it to say, the hygienist was not Demi Moore wearing casual jeans and t-shirt, and my teeth were not a mound of clay on a potter’s wheel. Oh, well. Good image while it lasted!

Finally, as if all of this wasn’t troubling enough, these two songs were followed by The Captain and Tennille’s Muskrat Love – without a doubt one of the 10 worst songs ever written. (A co-worker pointed out to me that the song was also recorded by America, which really sort of bums me out, because I like all of America’s other stuff.) But come on! “He's ticklin' her fancy, rubbin' her toes. Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes.” Oh, please!

Anyway, it was an interesting morning at the dentist's office, and, when all was said and done, I left with clean teeth, no cavities, and a new tooth brush. Not a bad way to start the day.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Alone Again, Naturally!

So, I'm driving north on I-81 in the beautiful Shenandoah Valley yesterday morning, enjoying the magnificent fall scenery and feeling on top of the world, when Gilbert O'Sullivan's Alone Again, Naturally pops up on Sirius 7. And wow, what a mood breaker!

This is a song about a guy who is stood up at the altar, whose father dies at way too young an age, and whose mother then kicks the bucket after a terrible round of depression. After all this -- and after three verses of lamenting his past -- this poor soul pretty much finds himself with no reason for living, and, as the title describes, all alone. Not exactly uplifting stuff! In fact, this song makes Janis Ian's At Seventeen seem like the theme song for a Tony Robbins seminar! With the possible exception of The Cavaliers' Last Kiss (a song about a boy who lost his girlfriend in a tragic car accident -- you know: screaming tires, busting glass, and all that sort of stuff), this is the most depressing song I've ever heard!

Okay, I know. Not every song needs to be cheerful and uplifting. I get that. In fact, the music world would be pretty boring if that were the case. It's just that a song like this is not what I want to hear on a beautiful, sunny morning when I'm feeling really charged up and ready to rock and roll, ya know? Sure, I could change channels, but I like my 70s stuff. So, what's a guy supposed to do? Grin and bear it, I guess, and wait for the next song.

Which is what I did. And just what song came up next? Believe it or not it was The Carpenters' Top of the World. How's that for timing? "Now we're cookin'," I thought. That is, until I started thinking about Karen Carpenter and her tragic fate! Oh my goodness!

Time to switch to the 80s channel.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Rocks and Things?

I heard the song Horse With No Name by America on the radio today, and I remembered back to the time I first heard it when I was, oh, maybe in the 9th grade. It had kind of a haunting melody to it, and back then I thought the song was pretty cool. So much so that I even taught myself to play it on the guitar. (Two chords -- how tough is that?)

But it occurred to me as I listened to the lyrics today, that songwriter and guitarist Dewey Bunnell surely could have come up with a better phrase than, "There were plants and birds and rocks and things." I mean, come on. Things? Things? That's the best Dewey could come up with? There were plants and birds and rocks and things. Give me a break!

To be honest, I just don't get it. He's got all the time in the world to come up with four items one might find in a desert -- like some weird variation of Family Feud -- and he can only name three! Can't come up with a fourth and has to use the term things? Things? Hey, come on Dewey! How about sand, or dust or even air. How hard is that? But things? Come on, really!

Oh well. The song was America's biggest hit, and probably has made millions down through the years, so I guess I'm being a little bit harsh. Still, I think ol' Dewey could have been a tad bit more creative than things.

Between you and me, these kinds of things just irritate me to no end.